


Don't You (Forget About Me)

by h311agay



Category: The Outsiders (1983), The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Father, Angst, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Homophobia, Idk how this is going to end, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized racism, It Gets Better, Multi, No Underage Sex, Racism, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, Slurs, Suicidal Thoughts, but just hold onto your panties, but nothing happens really its all just talk, dark themes, guys i just really like making johnny sad im sorry, i know now how this will end, its the 60's guys what do we expect, ponyboy is the best of friends honestly, self-harming thoughts, systematic racism, then it'll get better again, then it'll get worse, theres a skeevy interaction at one point in the boys bathroom at school that i'm tagging as, when i say slow burn i mean slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2018-09-18 08:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9377285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h311agay/pseuds/h311agay
Summary: Just a fic about Johnny and Dally falling in love, taking forever to admit it, then facing the struggles of being two gay men in 1965.





	1. Tooth for a Tooth, Eye for an Eye

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little information dump here! I guess this might have been a good thing to inform people of when I first started this fic but oh well. Dally is 19 at the beginning of this fic and Johnny is 16. They met when they were 15 and 18. Johnny's birthday is March 1st, and actually will be mentioned in this fic later on. Dally's birthday is november 9th, but isn't really mentioned in this (mainly because he doesn't celebrate it).
> 
> Dally has very pale and fair skin with light blue eyes and almost white blond hair -- i pulled from the book more for his character features.
> 
> Johnny dark brown eyes, dark brown hair, freckles, and has darker skin (which is canon to both the book and the movie) because his mother is from the Dominican Republic (which we don't even know in either media because the parents are hardly ever mentioned). Johnny does not see himself as black because his mother is not afro-latina. I don't fully discuss the complexity of race and ethnicity in this fic because, to Johnny, he feels as if there isn't much point arguing it with people who think he's stupid. He does identify himself as part latino (his father is white). For physical explanations, what I'm saying is that Johnny's skin is brown, not black, leaning a little bit toward a lighter shade of brown, but still just dark enough that racists in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1965 treat him like he's black a good portion of the time.
> 
> Dally's tall -- like 5'10" -- and Johnny is short, standing at 5'5". Even when he gets older he only reaches 5'7".

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He smiled slightly, only making the lips bleed more. His smile was hard and unwelcoming, “Sure,” he accepted. “But you can just call me Dally if you want.”

**Prologue:  Tooth for a Tooth**

 

When Johnny Cade was fifteen years old, he met Dallas Winston. Johnny had never read very many books, but Ponyboy did and he once read him a book about fantasy creatures. When Johnny looked at Dallas Winston, he saw one of those creatures come to life. He had pale skin only marked by scars, high cheekbones so sharp that Johnny mused that he would only prove to cut open his knuckles if he swung at them. Dallas was all sharp angles and unnatural beauty, a beauty that made you want to look deeper but you were scared of what you’d find. His blonde hair, so light it was almost white, was wispy and long. It fell into place around his jaw, a few misbehaving strands falling into his face, right in front of his bright blue eyes.

 

When Dallas looked at Johnny, the younger boy knew that he was in for a long ride. The first time they met, the gang Johnny had just been adopted into was in a brawl with a few Socs, and Johnny had been told to stay on the sidelines and only intervene if necessary. It was only three Socs, plenty easy for Darry, Two-Bit, and Sodapop. Johnny and Ponyboy jeered and hollered from the sidelines, rocks in their hands at the ready in case a Soc decided to book it or come over their way.

 

Dallas was walking down the street toward them, a nonchalant swagger to the way he walked, head held up high but slightly to the side as if there was an invisible person next to him that he was trying very hard not to look at. His fist were shoved into a dirty and cracked black leather jacket with thick brown shoulder and elbow pads. It looked like he was maybe chewing on gum, or perhaps tobacco. With his jacket and faded, ripped blue jeans, a stray Soc must have thought he was one of the Greasers, one of the gang Johnny was in. It didn’t look like Dallas had any intentions of joining their fight, but that Soc sure had intentions to bring him into it. Johnny saw the Soc before this unknown, elven person did, and he watched as the Soc’s fist came in contact with Dallas’ face.

 

It surprised not only Johnny, but it seemed the Soc as well, when Dallas hardly recoiled from the punch. Sure, he took a step back and his head snapped backwards, but it was clear that everyone who saw the punch had been expecting this tall and skinny man to go flying onto the ground. It was that pause, that momentary surprise and panic that was the Soc’s downfall, Johnny came to conclude. Dallas reached up and from Johnny’s spot, he could see the blood spilling down his chin from a split lip. The hand that touched the bloodied lip curled into a fist and connected with the Soc’s cheekbone.

 

It was a blur from there, but the unknown man had to be pulled off of the Soc who was whimpering and crying, the other Socs desperately tugging Dallas away from him, before his fists stopped.

 

He came from that rumble with nothing more than a split lip and bloodied knuckles. The Socs ran off, swearing at them and claiming that the next time would be different and that they should be prepared. They didn’t look at the mythical creature who was now more concerned with dusting away dirt from his jacket.

 

Darry was the first to speak to him, holding out his own bruised hand to clasp the other’s bloody one. “Names Curtis. Darry Curtis. We’re a gang of greasers. Sorry those idiot Socs pulled you into this mess.”

 

“Dallas Winston.” Johnny’s eyes involuntarily widened at his voices, gravelly and deep but somehow so perfect for his looks. There was a slight accent that he couldn’t quite place.

 

“New York?” Of course Two-Bit would know it.

 

“Yeah, From Manhattan,” Dallas answered.

 

“Well, Dallas, thanks for taking care of that Soc. You’re welcome to come over to our place, eat some food and drink with us, if you want. ‘Least we can do after you knocked out a few of his teeth.”

 

He smiled slightly, only making the lips bleed more. His smile was hard and unwelcoming, “Sure,” he accepted. “But you can just call me Dally if you want.”

  


**Chapter 1:  Eye for an Eye**

 

Jonathan Cade didn’t see himself as anything spectacular. He couldn’t read and he struggled to write, skipping his English classes more often than attending them and therefore spending more time in the office than any actual class. He knew Ponyboy was his only friend, but he was so smart and always reading, always learning new words and trying to fit them into his vocabulary. He was nice and funny and smart and good looking. Everything Johnny thought he wasn’t, except for maybe the nice part. Johnny tried to be nice, to everyone. Even the nasty Socs who would holler at him in the halls and impersonate the way he sounded when he tried to read aloud.

 

His ears would turn red and he’s just hurry down the hallway, not wanting to hear how they stuttered and spoke like they were slow. He knew he wasn’t slow, but he certainly wasn’t’ smart. The words just got all mixed up and switched and the letters could never stay still. He tried bringing it up to his teacher once, a few years ago, but she said he was just making excuses so he never brought it up again. Except to Ponyboy, who sat with him one night and tried to help him with his reading homework. They made it through one page before Johnny got frustrated and threw it back into his bag, swearing and calling himself stupid.

 

And he wasn’t all that good looking, at least, not in his own eyes. At sixteen years old, he was positive he was done growing, and he really wasn’t all that tall. He had dark skin, and he knew that people sometimes suspected that he was a least a half baby. He really wasn’t, his mother had some Filipino in her, and that was where he got it, but his parents weren’t _black_. He had dark curly hair that was at that awkward length. It curled around his ears and up under his jaw, tickling him sometimes. Ponyboy’s older brother, Sodapop, had offered to cut it but Johnny had politely declined. He didn’t want a reason to draw attention to himself at home, and explaining that someone gave him a haircut wasn’t going to go over well with his dad. He wasn’t stocky, but he wasn’t skinny. His stomach had a little bump to it and his hips were a little big. His arms were stringy though. He wasn’t anything a girl would ever have a reason to look at twice, not even the splatter of freckles across his nose were worth a second look. He had dark brown eyes, so dark they were almost black. His face was kind of oval shaped, with just a little squareness to his jaw.

 

He knew he wasn’t much to look at, but he still hoped that he’d find someone someday.

 

He was sitting in the dark in his room, struggling to see his math homework with the little sunlight that pilfered through his dirty window. The sun was going down and he only had about ten more minutes before all his light was gone. Once the sun was down, his dad hated to see Johnny’s light on, and Johnny didn’t feel like having him come back and beating him because he was running up the electricity bill by doing homework. It wasn’t like Johnny was going to graduate, not with his reading problems and not with how often he was skipping school. He was in tenth grade and the year had just started, but he had already heard the teachers talking about him, about how they might have to keep him back a year. If they did that, he’d just drop out. It’s not like any place would hire him. His skin was too dark and everyone assumed he was part black, he was stupid:  he couldn’t read, he struggled to count sometimes, and he was a greaser. Greasers didn’t get hired, at least not a good paying places. He’d have to live off of low-end jobs like gas stations and convenience stores for as long as they’d hire him, and then pick up money along the way in various other ways. He hated stealing, but if it was what he had to do to survive…

 

He knew that Ponyboy and his brothers wouldn’t let him live on the streets, but he’d hate using their resources like that. He already hated how often he was over there, trying to get away from his dad.

 

He was struggling to read the stupid equation on his paper in the dim light when he heard a tap on his window. Three sharp raps. He looked up and smiled wide. Dally was there, the last remaining light of the sun making his hair shine gold, dark shadows casting along his pale skin. Johnny held up a finger and went over to his door, popped his head out and listened. His parents were still fighting but nothing was being broken yet so he still had time before his dad came up to hit on him next. He locked his door then went back over to the window, sliding it open and grimacing as it squeaked. “Dally,” he said, voice soft. Dally crawled in and listened for a second. There was a crash of a chair and he frowned. Johnny knew they had about ten minutes.

 

“Johnnycakes,” he said, ruffling the other’s messy hair. “Wanted to come over an’ ask if you wanted to sneak into the drive in, catch a movie or two. I’ll score us some drinks and popcorn.”

 

“Yeah,” he said, beaming and ignoring the string of swear words from his dad. “Movies sound great. Just us or the rest comin’?”

 

“Thought you could invite Pony if you wanted. Already asked Sodapop but he had work. Two-bit’s out trying to pick up some girls and Darry’s out working.”

 

Johnny chewed on the inside of his cheek, contemplating, but at the sudden sound of his father’s footsteps growing closer, he realised he didn’t have time think about it. “Get outta here. I’ll try to be out in a few minutes. I have to unlock my door or else I’ll never have privacy again.”

 

Johnny watched as Dally scowled and his blue eyes darkened. He knew the other wanted nothing more than to catch Johnny’s dad in the act and beat him black and blue like the man did Johnny. Dally just sighed, long and shaky. “Alright. Alright,” he said as he began to climb back out the window. “Meet me in the alley. I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

Johnny shut his window and walked over to his door, trying to unlock it quietly. He heard his father’s drunken footsteps coming down the hallway. He should have left the window open, he should have unlocked the door and dashed out of there before his dad could reach the room. The door clicked and he rushed over to the window and stood in the corner, waiting with bated breath. He was hoping, perhaps ever praying, that his father would lumber past and go to his own room.

 

Of course, as always, those prayers failed him, and his father swung his door open, the door handle going into the wall, making the already large hole much more of an issue. Johnny stood there, holding his breathe. “Get outta the corner, Johnathan!” Johnny closed his eyes and went to move forward, but he didn’t even get a chance before his father was over there, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and throwing him against his wall. “Tryin’ to hide from me, boy? I oughta smack some sense into you! You don’t disobey your parents, you ungrateful little brat!”

 

Johnny knew the hits were coming before his father could even pull back his fist. He felt them, one after the other as they landing on his body, on his face, his chest, his arms. He felt each punch harder than the last and before long, he was curled up on the floor while his father screamed at him, his ears ringing as he tried to block it all out.

 

_Ungrateful, ungrateful, ungrateful. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. Waste of space. Mistake. Ungrateful, spoiled, waste of space, mistake. Ungrateful spoiled waste of space mistake. Ungrateful spoiled waste of SPACE MISTAKE. MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE WASTE OF SPACE WASTE OF SPACE MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTA --_

 

Then his father was gone, leaving Johnny curled up on the floor of his bedroom, trying not to cry and taking in gasping breaths. He could hear his parents screaming at each other again, the sounds of them hitting each other and the sounds of them tearing each other down was all Johnny could hear above the ringing in his ears. After god knows how long, Johnny pulled himself off the floor and looked down at his torn and bloody white t-shirt. He took it off and balled it up, throwing it into the corner, and when over to his dresser, pulling out a dark t-shirt and slipping it on. He peered into his mirror and touched his bloodied lip, wincing slightly. His left eye was swelling up pretty fast and he was certain by the end of tonight, he wouldn’t be seeing out of it.

 

He’d have a killer headache tomorrow; he’d just skip school and hang out at the lot while he waited for Pony to get home from school.

 

He shrugged on his beaten up leather jacket -- a gift from Dally when he saw Johnny didn’t have a coat -- and opened his window as quietly as he could, slipping out of it. He shut it most of the way but slide a twig between the window and it’s ledge so that it wouldn’t shut on him. With a heavy sigh, Johnny made his way to the alley he knew Dally was waiting in. He had his head down but the second he stepped into the alley, Dally reached for his chin.

 

There was an angry fire in Dally’s icy eyes that made Johnny’s stomach curl. “It’s nothin’,” he defended and he knew Dally wasn’t going to argue it because the last time they did Dally punched a wall and broke two knuckles. When he swung his fist, Johnny had flinched hard enough that he saw Dally’s eyes grow wide and a little wet. Johnny got to see a lot of Dally that no one else did, a more loving part of him. Something less cold and rigid and angry. He saw a softer side; he guessed he had that effect on everyone but his dad.

 

“Grab a steak or something from Ponyboy when we swing by to ask if he wants to go with,” Dally said, ruffling Johnny’s hair and staring off in the direction of his house.

 

“Beatin’ him up isn’t gonna make him stop beatin’ on me, Dally,” Johnny said softly.

 

“I know.”

 

“And,” he scuffed his foot on the ground before they started walking, “I was wondering if it could just be us. I don’t really wanna stop by Ponyboy’s and hear him lecture me, too.”

 

“Alright,” Johnny looked up at Dally and saw something in his eyes. “You sure you alright? Wanna stop my a gas station or something and I can grab a cold somethin’ for you to put over that eye.”

 

“No, Dally. I’m not gonna let you go steal a cold somethin’ just because my eyes a little messed up.” Dally grumbled and Johnny continued. “No, for real. You know everybody ‘round here is just lookin’ for a reason to lock you up for a few days. I don’t _want_ you to get locked up. I want you here, with me. So when my dad beats on me, I can just sneak over and hang out with someone who’s not gonna lecture me and who’s not gonna baby me. I’m not a baby.”

 

“No,” Dally said, voice soft. “No, you’re not. Sorry. I didn’t mean to baby you. You just… I hate seeing what your old man does to you, you know? It’s a shitty thing for a parent to do. And ain’t no one gonna come around and say ‘Oh, shit. Look at that kid. He’s getting hit by his dad. We should report it.’ ‘Cause when one of _us_ tries to go to the cops for help, we just get slammed for some two-month old crime and ain’t shit gonna get down about your dad. No Soc is gonna say ‘Hey, I don’t remember him having this many bruises yesterday. That ain’t right. We haven’t rumbled in a few days, why’s he gettin’ bruises?’” He kicked a rock. “So I guess all I can do is what you just said I do, right? Be there for you. Fuck.”

 

Johnny bumped his shoulder against Dally and ignored the small throb it caused. “It’s better than nothing, Dally. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life. I’m used to it.”

  
There it was again, a fiery flash in Dally’s eyes. “Well, you shouldn’t have to be.”


	2. Cherry Coke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can only imagine what damage she’d have to have to call you, Dally. You ain’t really give her a reason to want to punch your numbers into her phone.”
> 
> “Told her what my tongue could do,” Dally teased.
> 
> “Exactly. If I were her, I would’ve punched your mug. I can only imagine how you were smilin’ as you told her all that.”
> 
> “You aren’t her, though. She looks too pretty to throw a punch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hahah wow! I'm sooo sorry I took a fucking month instead of two weeks to get this up! I ended up dealing with a looooooot of personal issues and a chapter which should have taken me two weeks at the most took me almost a whole fucking month. 
> 
> Wow, I promise I'll get on a better track as soon as my mind stops doing what it's doing and gives me a goddamn break. Anyways... ENJOY

Dally never ceased to surprise Johnny. Every time they snuck into a drive in, they never got caught, and it was amazing to Johnny. He was currently wedge between two empty cars that must have driven there just to meet up in someone else’s car or truck. People liked to sit in the beds of their trucks and watch the movies, especially on nights like these.

 

The air was a little humid and sticky, but it was warm and the sky was clear, showing the stars above. Johnny was only half watching the movie, waiting for the sounds of footsteps so he could duck under the car closest to him incase it wasn’t Dally. He heard footsteps on the gravel and quickly slide under the car onto his back and waited as the person walked past. He had a flashlight, so it was an attendant. “Stupid fucking kids sneaking in. I don’t even care if they sneak in, but there’s always someone who has to report them,” he was grumbling to himself and swiped the light down the lanes of parked, empty cars. He walked on and a few minutes later, Dally slide down to look under the car, grinning wide.

 

“I convinced her to give me a large popcorn and a large drink, sorry I couldn’t get more. We’re gonna have to share the drink, you cool with that?”

 

Johnny nodded and slide out from under the car, looking back up at the screen. “You know what we’re watchin’?”

 

“Nah, but I think it’s some sappy romance movie, but also an action movie? Fuck if I know.” They sat next to each other, the popcorn and drink at their feet in the middle. “Sorry it’s cherry Coke. I know you don’t care for that, but it was all she would give me, ‘cause it was what they sold the least so it wouldn’t run out. Don’t chug it, though. I only get this one.”

 

“Whatchya do to convince her?”

 

“Asked her out on a date,” Dally shrugged, throwing popcorn into his mouth. “Told her all the things I could do with my tongue and then some. She turned as bright as cherry. Told her cherry red was her colour and she almost threw the drink at me.”

 

Johnny’s stomach did flips at Dally’s words; he didn’t want to think about what Dally’s tongue could do to a woman. “I bet it was that comment that made her only give us one drink,” he said, reaching for it. He made a face as he drank the cherry Coke. “I forget how much I really  _ don’t  _ like it every time,” he said, setting it down and looking up at the screen just in time to see someone get slugged in the face. He laughed, “The sound effects are so bad when it comes to punches, you know? It doesn’t sound like  _ that _ . That’s the sound of dropping your books onto the ground.”

 

Dally laughed, “Cut ‘em some slack. They can’t really punch each other, so they have to imitate the sound as best as possible. Not their fault they don’t know what punches really sound like.”

 

“If I ever made a movie, I’d tell ‘em what a punch really sounded like.” Dally’s laugh was a little forced and Johnny blushed. He had made a mistake, he ruined the mood. They were forgetting what Johnny’s dad had done and he unintentionally brought it up and now Dally was mad again. This time, though, he was mad at  _ Johnny _ . “Sorry,” he mumbled, moving away from Dally some to lean against the car.

 

“For what?”

 

“Nothin’, let’s just… forget I said anythin’ alright?”

 

“Johnnycakes -- “

 

“No, just… let’s drop it.”

 

Dally sighed and looked back up at the screen, hand holding onto the soda tight enough that the cup looked like it was about to crinkle under his grasp. They sat like that in silence, the popcorn getting cold and the cup in Dally’s hand teetering closer and closer to collapsing. Some girl screamed on the screen as she was about to be attacked by some bad guys, but then the protagonist came swooping in and saved her.

 

Johnny jumped when he felt a tug on his sleeve. It was Dally. “The attendant’s comin’ again,” he whispered. They scurried under the same car, Dally’s body warm and pressed up against Johnny’s. He could hear himself breathing and buried his face into Dally’s shoulder to muffle it, ignoring the slight throb of pain from his bruised face.

 

It turned out it wasn’t an attendant but a group of Socs, getting ready to leave the movie early. They gathered into -- luckily -- the other car, talking loudly and drunkenly. They drove away, and Dally and Johnny stayed under the car for a little while later. “We should get outta here before the owners of this car come for it,” Dally said, scooting out from underneath.

 

They stood up and began to brush themselves off. Johnny looked up at Dally who smiled at him, wide and goofy. Johnny blushed and frowned. “What?” Dally just continued to smile, bright blue eyes looking at Johnny. “What?” He repeated.

Dally opened his mouth to answer only for a beer bottle to get thrown there way by some drunk Socs. “Greasers!” Dally grabbed Johnny’s arm and cussed as another bottle came there way, the shattering glass spraying up to Johnny’s leg. He let the other drag him along, back to the hole in the fence they snuck in through.

 

“You go first, Johnnycakes,” he hissed, shoving him down to the ground. Johnny landed hard on his elbows and made a sound of pain between his teeth but quickly tried to squirm through the hole. He shrugged off his jacket when it got caught and continued onto the other side. He stood up, snatching the jacket off the fence as Dally began to slip through, swearing under how breath as the jacket ripped slightly on some sharp metal. Johnny didn’t have time to dwell, though, because Dally was snatching him by his elbow and tugging him away from the drive in as the Socs began to clammer up and over the fence.

 

They ran until the voices of the group chasing them died down and then they continued to run until they were hidden in an alleyway, panting and heaving as they tried to catch their breath. “Movie sucked anyways,” Dally mumbled, slinging his arm around Johnny who was still partially doubled over. “Cherry put on a better show then that snooze.”

 

“Cherry? That what you callin’ the girl now?”

 

“Nah, it’s what her friends call her, she said,” Dally laughed, holding Johnny a little tighter when he straightened up and began to lead them out of the alley. “Gave her my number, think she’ll call?”

 

“I can only imagine what damage she’d have to have to call  _ you _ , Dally. You ain’t really give her a reason to want to punch your numbers into her phone.”

 

“Told her what my tongue could do,” Dally teased.

 

“Exactly. If I were her, I would’ve punched your mug. I can only imagine how you were smilin’ as you told her all that.”

 

“You aren’t her, though. She looks too pretty to throw a punch.”

 

“Think if we went back to the drive in and she was working and you weren’t gross to her, she’d give us something better than a cherry Coke? Maybe rootbeer or plain Coke?”

 

“I think she’ll only ever give me cherry now.” Dally grinned, taking his free hand to rouse Johnny’a hair. “I’m gonna ask her out, for real. Gonna make her my girl.”

 

Johnny just pulled away from the hand on his head and scoffed. “Yeah, whatever, Dally. If it helps you sleep at night.”


	3. Beach Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why do you care so much?”
> 
> “Huh?”
> 
> “I asked why do you care so much. Why so much about me? I ain't nothing special. Nothing to care about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so sorry that it's been OVER A YEAR since I've updated this. A lot of stuff went down in my personal life and it took a while for me to pull myself out of all of it. I've actually been writing this chapter for a year, so you might notice some slight changes in my writing style as it progresses; my apologies for that. Anyways, I hope you're all excited to have me back and up and writing. I actually have a lot of chapters planned out for this so I can start pumping them out asap. No promises on actual publishing dates but just know there will be more! (hopefully hah)

Johnny walked in silence for a short while, Dally with his seemingly everlasting coolness and Johnny with his head down and wincing every other step at the bruises on his face. It was when the scuff of Dally’s shoes stopped that Johnny stopped, twisting around and lifting his head to see why Dally had gone motionless. He stopped to stare into a corner store, open late for travelers. “Whatchya looking at, Dally?”

 

“They've got an icebox in there,” he said as he lifted to gesture to the inside of the store. “I got a couple of quarters one me. I could get us some Cokes and you could put one on your eye if it's hurtin’ you too bad.”

 

“Dally, my eye don't hurt too much. You keep your quarters.”

 

“What's to stop me from doing it anyway? Ain't I allowed to just buy you a Coke because I wanna?”

 

Johnny felt like he wasn't looking at the same Dally he had first met. He was still as beautiful as then, but the harshness he'd seen at first was almost entirely gone. Dally had seemed like such a badass -- and not to say he isn't still -- but Johnny felt like this softer side had to be a part of someone else. It couldn't be the Dally that Johnny watched pull switchblades out on the Socs and who was hard and unforgiving when he was anything but happy. No, this Dally was someone entirely different than the Dallas Winston that Johnny had first met. Someone softer.

 

He realised Dally was still waiting for an answer despite his words that had seemed so final in the situation.

 

“I guess there's nothing stopping you,” he finally replied, watching as something that was closely related to relief washed across Dally's face.

 

When he came out with the sodas, handing one to Johnny and cracking open the other, Johnny hesitated for just a second before bringing the bottle to his forehead. He almost cried in relief.

 

“I bet it feels good,” Dally said knowingly. “Shoulda just let me get you something from the start. Freaking kid.”

 

They turned down the corner and into an alleyway leading toward Dally's place. Johnny always got nervous when they went to Dally's place. “Dallas,” Johnny said softly as he stopped walking and looked up at Dally. Dally turned around and there was surprise written in his features. Johnny only used his full name when it was serious.

 

“Yeah, Johnnycakes?”

 

“Why do you care so much?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I asked why do you care so much. Why so much about me? I ain't nothing special. Nothing to care about.”

 

“You don't talk about yourself like that, Johnny,” Dally said, voice hard.

 

“It's true though, Dally, and you know it!”

 

“It isn't true. That's what that sack of shit dad of yours wants you to think, but it's not true.”

 

“But why are you only like this with  _ me _ , Dally? Not Ponyboy or Soda or Two-bit or Darry. Just me. Is it because I'm the youngest? I'm not a baby, so you don't have to treat me like one, okay?”

 

“I'm not coddling you, Johnny. I don't like the others like I like you so I don't care about the others like I care about you. That's why.”

 

“But why do you like me the best?”

 

“Because I just do, Johnny. I don't know why.”

 

Dally was so calm and relaxed looking and if it weren't for the way his one fist was clenched and hiding behind his back some, Johnny would have no idea he was being serious. Johnny on the other hand was turning bright red with the implications of Dally's words. Dally liked  _ him best _ . Johnny had never been anybody's favourite persons before and of all people, he was Dally's favourite person. The feeling that rushed through Johnny’s stomach almost made him nauseous. 

 

“C’mon, keep walking, kid. My place ain’t that far, you know that.” Dally brushed past Johnny and kept walking, slowing only for a sip of Coke here and there.

 

Johnny scrambled to catch up with him, shoving the weird feelings deep down inside of him. Dally’s place wasn’t so bad; any place was better than home to Johnny. In fact, Dally’s felt a lot more like a home than his own ever had. They climbed the fire escape stairs and crawled in through a crooked window, Dally letting it stay propped open with a book. 

 

“Landlord’s pissed ‘cause I didn’t pay rent on time this month, so he changed the damn locks and told me if I can pay on time next month he’d give me the new keys. I think it was his way of tryin’ to evict me without havin’ to go through the hassle of findin’ a real reason why. Idiot would probably be pissed if he knew I had a way in. Think’s he’s real damn smart, he does.”

 

Dally flopped down onto his dingy couch, propping his feet up onto the torn arm rest. His apartment was a small one room studio, with only three doors in the entire place. One to the outside hallway, one to the bathroom, and one to a closet hardly big enough for Johnny to shut himself into. Yet Dally managed to shove his entire wardrobe into it along with some paraphernalia. Johnny sat on the floor by Dally and leaned his head against the cushions, holding the bottle to his brow still. 

 

“You oughta dust in here.”

 

“Yeah, you think so?”

 

“Smells funny in here. Like an attic.”

 

“Smells dignified. It’s my musk.”

 

“Please don’t say that,” Johnny gagged playfully and laughed some.

 

“Got you to laugh, though.” Dally sounded proud of himself and Johnny could envision the smug look on his face.

 

“You should play a record, or the radio,” Johnny said, scrambling back up off the floor to file through the box of records Dally owned. He pulled out the Rolling Stones album ‘Out of Our Heads’ and turned to pout hopefully at Dally. “Pleeeeaaassee?”

 

Dally sighed, “You always pull that one out, Johnny.”

 

“Maybe if you improved your collection I could choose something different. But do ya really expect me to choose Elvis or The Beatles?”

 

Dally lifted himself off the couch and started rummaging through his own vinyls. “I got The Doors and Pink Floyd. The Jackson Five an -- “

 

“Wait wait wait, hold up, Dally.” Johnny reached for a vinyl that Dally quickly tried to cover. “No, give me that. Give it to me. Dally!” Johnny eventually pried it away and started laughing so hard it made his bad eye hurt.

 

“Johnny give it back,” Dally muttered, snatching it away.

 

“I can’t believe you have an  _ actual  _ **_Beach Boys_ ** vinyl. Dallas Winston, are you a fan of the Beach Boys?”   
  


“No,” Dally said, almost a little too fast. “That stupid Sodapop bought it for me a coupla weeks ago, okay? I don’t like the Beach Boys.”

 

“You like the Beach Boys, admit it.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“This is dirt. I have this dirt on you know, Dally, I hope you know that. And I’ll use it when you’re least expectin’ it.”

 

“No, really, fuck you. I lied. Ponyboy is my favourite now. I don’t like you anymore.”

 

Johnny grinned and after a moment, Dally smiled softly in return. He took the Rolling Stones album from Johnny and put it on his record player. It crackled for a moment before music started playing. Dally turned around and suddenly tackled Johnny.

 

They rolled around on the ground, grunting and wrestling for a while, until Johnny ultimately got tired and Dally was able to pin him with his knees, holding Johnny’s wrists down with his hands. “You call uncle?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I call uncle,” Johnny said, slightly breathless as he looked up at Dally above him. They were close enough that he could feel Dally’s breath as it crossed his face, and the longest strands of Dally’s hair came down to tickle Johnny’s cheeks. 

Dally stayed there for a moment, on top of Johnny and the fire in his gaze turned Johnny’s cheeks red. He watched Dally’s stare flicker down Johnny’s face. Johnny’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest and he didn’t quite know why, but it made his mouth feel funny, like his tongue was swollen. He honestly thought Dally was about to swoop down and kiss him.

 

And just as the moment had began, it was over, with Dally rolling off of Johnny and grunting as he pulled himself to his feet. “I’m starvin’, kid. You want anything? Let’s see if I even have food here. Haven’t gone shopping in a while. Work’s been rough.”

 

Johnny laid there for a second longer before standing and following Dally over to the small kitchen area. Dally was staring into an empty cupboard before opening another one and sighing. “I’ve got crackers and beer.”

 

“Better than nothin’,” Johnny countered, grabbing himself and Dally a beer from the fridge. They sat back down on the couch, sipping the beer and passing the box of crackers back and forth between the two of them. It was long until the couple of beers, limited food, and excitement of the day was wearing Johnny out. He was blissfully aware of how he was falling asleep curled up on the seat of the couch, head heavy and eyes shut.

 

As though the sound was distorted, he heard Dally’s phone ring, who picked it up almost as soon as it started. “Dally, who’s this?”

 

“Oh, Cherry, babe, I knew you’d call me. Just couldn’t resist the ol’ Winston charm could you?” Johnny heard Dally laugh lightly. “Tomorrow? Yeah, I’m free. What time? Sweet. See you then baby. Hey, wait. You ain’t afraid of motorcycles, are you?” Another small laugh. “Good, ‘cause that’s what I’ll pick you up on. Where should I pick you up? Okay, see you tomorrow, Cherry.”

 

He heard Dally hang up the phone with a click and curled in tighter to himself, feeling a pressure behind his eyes. It wasn’t long before he fell into a restless sleep.


	4. You Were on my Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can walk home alone, Dally.”  
> “I know, I just thought -- “  
> “I’d like to walk home alone, Dally.”  
> “Oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters! One day! Yay! This one is kind of short though, but I wanted it to be isolated from other chapters because I feel it's an important chapter to have standing alone.

Johnny woke up with a blanket tucked around him, and the pull out couch open. Dally must’ve pulled it out in the night, somehow moving Johnny without him waking up. He rolled over some, stretching his legs and feeling his shoulders pop. He opened his eyes and looked at Dally, who was still sleeping peacefully with the slightest bit of grey sunlight peeking through the window and washing over his face. Johnny couldn’t lie and say he didn’t think Dally was pretty. He was sharp angles and pale skin and pale hair and pale eyes, but beneath that sharpness was a softness that came out when his guard was down, the way it was now. Johnny was watching the way Dally’s eyes moved underneath his eyelids while he dreamed, and the way his mouth parted slightly when he breathed. 

Dally’s lips were soft looking despite the split bottom lip, plush and pink. They made Johnny think of all the woman in magazine ads and almost laughed at how offended Dally would be if he ever told him that. Johnny wanted to reach out and touch them. His stomach churned. He wanted to lean over and  _ kiss _ them.

He sat up straight, rigid and tense as his stomach continued to knot. He couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to kiss Dally; his cheeks went red and his hands began to shake. He bent over himself, making a soft noise of discomfort. He heard Dally shift in the bed next to him. 

“Johnnycakes?” Dally’s voice was sleepy and slurred and it made Johnny’s face even hotter. “What’s up?”

“I, uh, don’t feel so good.”

“You need some water?”

Johnny sat up, feeling flushed and dizzy. “Um, actually, I, uh, I think I should go home.”

Dally scowled. “Johnny, what are they gonna do at home for you that I can’t do here?”

“Please Dally?”

Dally sighed and got out of the bed, throwing on his shirt and pants and tossing Johnny his shoes. “Get ready, alright? I gotta piss and then we can head out.”

“I can walk home alone, Dally.”

“I know, I just thought -- “

“I’d like to walk home alone, Dally.”

“Oh.” Dally stood in the middle of the room, watching Johnny as he did his laces. He shoved open the window and moved aside so Johnny could get out.

“I’ll see you around, Dally.”

“See ya, kid.”

Johnny made his way down the fire escape and into the alley by Dally’s apartment complex. He glanced up to see if Dally was still in the window and had mixed feelings when he saw he wasn’t. He sighed and scuffed his shoe against the ground before walking back across town to his house. 

He opened the front door, still thinking about Dally and the fact that he had wanted to  _ kiss _ him, and was thinking so intently about it he missed the sound of his father’s chair scraping across the kitchen floor. It wasn’t until he heard the thudding of his footsteps that his heart rate spiked and he froze where he was. “Johnny boy,” his dad said with an angry growl, coming closer. “Where the hell were you all night. Had your mother and I sick with worry.”

“I fell asleep at a friend’s,” he said softly.

“A friend’s? You ain’t got no friends, boy. Where were you really?”

“I -- I told you. I was a-at a friend’s.”

His father grabbed him by his shoulder and started dragging him down the hallway, toward Johnny’s room. “I ain’t gonna ask you one more time, Jonathan.”

“I w-was at Dally’s,” he said quietly.

“Who’s?”

“D-Dally’s,” he repeated, even softer and more scared.

“That damn fairy looking faggot? You were at his place all night?”

“Y-yes, sir.”

He felt the open palm slap a few seconds after it happened, it made him dizzy and brought tears to his eyes. He father threw him into his room, which was no completely empty. “You ever tell me you’re sleeping over at a faggot’s again, I’ll skin you alive.” He shut the door behind him and locked Johnny in.

Johnny was shaking, knowing that later he was going to get a much worse beating after his father had some time to start drinking and throwing punches at his mom. He walked over to the window and his heart thudded painfully when he saw the nails and padlock on it. He tugged fruitlessly at the padlock, tears welling up in his eyes. He looked around his dim room, noticing everything was gone. His bed, his desk, his backpack, even the lightbulb. Everything was gone except for the clothes on his back and the switchblade in his pocket. He curled up in the corner and cried into his jacket sleeve.

He cried because his face hurt, he cried because his stuff was gone, he cried because his dad was horrible, but mostly, he was crying because he couldn’t get over the feeling he felt this morning when he’d been looking at Dally. It felt so good and normal until he had thought about it, and realised just how different it really was. No one ever talked about wanting to kiss guys, unless they were  _ girls _ , and it made him feel so twisted up inside. He wasn’t a girl, he knew that much, but why did he want to kiss a guy? Why did he want to kiss Dally?

The more he thought about it, the more he realised he never hit the same milestones as the rest of the gang. He was 16 and never kissed a girl (Ponyboy hadn’t either even though they were in the same grade, but he was only 15 and that seemed perfectly normal to Johnny). He never talked about wanting to be with a girl; sex with a girl didn’t sound all that appealing. And maybe it was because he grew up in an abusive household and was taught from day one that love wasn’t real, but instead it smelled like alcohol and felt like fist.

But would being gay explain his unusual attraction toward Dally, the admiration and almost puppy-like need to be around him? It could, but Johnny didn’t want to be gay, so he wouldn’t. It was that easy, right? He could just not be gay and find himself a girlfriend and treat her better than his dad treated his mother and everything would be okay, right?

He sighed heavily and a broken sob came out. Why did this have to be so difficult? Why did he have to be so wrong?

He cried and he cried and he cried until he was hiccuping and his eyes were too heavy to keep open any longer. He pulled his jacket tightly around him and ignored how much it smelled like Dally as he drifted off into more restless sleep.


	5. Wishing Candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!” They all cheered when they saw Johnny, Ponyboy coming up behind him with a cake in his hands. Johnny stood there, shellshocked and blinking.
> 
> “Surprise?” He asked quietly.
> 
> “Well, yeah!” Soda hopped off the couch and over to Johnny as Pony set the cake on the living room table. “It’s March first, ain’t it? Your birthday!”
> 
> “You guys remembered.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter has incredibly fluffy and happy moments, but takes a very dark turn toward the end. Johnny begins to have some suicidal thoughts at the end, so if you'd rather skip reading that, I'd stop reading after Dally leaves the party.

For the next couple of months, Johnny felt trapped in a never ending cycle, one that was only hurting him more and more as time passed. When Johnny had mentioned to Dally that his father removed everything from his room, Dally stole him some new clothes and stashed them at his apartment. Darry had offered to get Johnny a new backpack and folders but then Sodapop had come barrelling down the steps with his old one in hand, shoving it to Johnny excitedly. When Johnny’s shoes were scuffed up so bad in January that there was a hole the size of a quarter in both shoes, Two-Bit showed up the next week with a brand new pair of shoes for Johnny -- which he never wore home so that his father couldn’t throw them out.

As time passed and the months got colder, Johnny started to see less and less of Dally. When he did see Dally, most times he was also seeing Cherry, or hearing about her. Johnny felt bad when the hot flare of jealousy and anger exploded, because Cherry was honestly a really sweet girl. If she saw Johnny, she greeted him, and she seemed to be genuinely interested in listening to Johnny when he talked. She’d bring candy to Dally’s sometime and leave it specially for Johnny. Johnny felt disgusted with himself whenever he felt anything negative toward her, because it wasn’t her fault that Johnny was sick and felt something for Dally that he shouldn’t. It wasn’t her fault Dally like her. Johnny was trying so hard to stop thinking of Dally as anything other than a friend, but it seemed like it was never going to happen. 

Finally, the cold died down a bit and the trees started to bud with life again and Johnny’s birthday approached fast. He woke up that Monday to the sounds of his mother’s alarm clock in the other room and dragged himself off of his uncomfortable floor. He made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. His mother followed him into the kitchen and kissed him on the cheek. “ _ Feliz cumpleaños, hijo _ ,” she said, sober for once.

Johnny smiled and kissed her back. “ _ Gracias mamá. Te quiero _ . Is it okay if I hang out with Ponyboy after school?” He asked nervously. He hardly asked his parents for permission anymore these days. Instead of the blank stares he had become used to, his mother smiled and nodded. “Have fun on your special day.”

She squeezed his hand before opening the fridge and pulling out a can of beer. He took this as his cue to leave and hurried out the door. 

He got to school and found Ponyboy waiting for him on the steps, reading a book with a spine so broken Johnny was surprised it was held together at all. He grabbed his backpack off the ground from next to Ponyboy. “Thanks for holdin’ on to this for me.”

“Of course, Johnny. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks. Is it cool if I come over to your place after school today?”

Ponyboy smiled and stood up, shoving his book into his backpack. “Yeah, I’m sure if we asked Darry he’d go buy you a cupcake or somethin’.”

“Nah, he doesn’t have to buy me a cupcake.”

“What if he wants to?”

Johnny didn’t have a response so he just shrugged instead. “Wish my birthday wasn’t on a Monday this year. Sucks that I’m comin’ to school, but it’s better than bein’ at home.”

The bell rang for class and Ponyboy headed inside, Johnny taking a second to follow after him as he sighed heavily. Lately, he’d been sleeping worse and worse, waking up with anxiety and aches all over his body. He makes his way into school and to his first class, hardly processing what the teacher is saying.

By the time school is over, Johnny is ready to get to Ponyboy’s and just forgot about the rest of his birthday. It was never a special day to him, and he really didn’t understand why the rest of the gang always wanted to make it special. To Johnny, his birthday was just a harsh reminder of how little his parents really cared about him. Ponyboy was blathering on about some book he was reading for his English class and how much he really liked it, mentioning a few times that if Johnny wanted him to read it to him, he’d be more than happy to. Johnny focused less on what Ponyboy was saying and more on kicking rocks with the front of shoes before wincing when he remembered that Two-Bit had gone out of his way to buy these for Johnny.

They reached Ponyboy’s house with little problems and for that, Johnny was grateful; he wasn’t sure if he was really in the mood to deal with any Socs right now. Pony went in before him, practically bouncing out of his skin and Johnny suddenly felt like something was up. He paused before entering the house, “Pony?”

Ponyboy turned around, smiling, “Yeah, Johnny?”

“Is something goin’ on?”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“Just get inside, Johnny, I think we’ve got a coupla Cokes. Thirsty?”

“Yeah,” Johnny walked in and let the door shut behind him, walking toward the living room where he could hear Darry and Soda’s voices while Ponyboy dipped into the kitchen. As he turned the corner, he saw the living room was decorated, filled with the whole gang.

“SURPRISE!” They all cheered when they saw Johnny, Ponyboy coming up behind him with a cake in his hands. Johnny stood there, shellshocked and blinking. 

“Surprise?” He asked quietly.

“Well, yeah!” Soda hopped off the couch and over to Johnny as Pony set the cake on the living room table. “It’s March first, ain’t it? Your birthday!”

“You guys remembered,” he said slowly, chest swelling. Ponyboy he had expected, and maybe even Darry, but for the whole gang to throw him a surprise party with a cake and decorations, it was overwhelming.

“Of course we remembered, kid,” Two-Bit said as he handed Johnny a bottle of beer.

“Two-Bit, don’t be givin’ him that,” Darry scolded.

“It’s his  _ birthday _ , Darry. Loosen up, let him drink.”

Johnny held the bottle tightly, still reeling from the fact he was getting an honest to God birthday party. Darry was putting a candle into the cake and gestured for Johnny to come over. “Come on, kid, come blow out this candle and make a wish.”

With a little help from Two-Bit, Johnny was able to make his legs work and cross the room to the cake. He sat on the couch, Dally was on the opposite end. Darry lit the candle and they all sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Johnny, who felt like any moment he was going to cry, and when they were done, he blew out the candle.

“Whatchya wish for,” Sodapop said as he cracked open his own beer.

“Soda, if he says, it won’t come true,” Ponyboy scolded him, looking over to Johnny and smiling. “I hope whatever it was, it comes true.”

They began to cut into the cake, Darry letting Johnny have first pick, and passing it around to everyone.

The gathering lasted a few hours, with everyone -- even Ponyboy and Johnny -- drinking beer and eating cake. They played music and laughed and talked, but after a while, Two-Bit had to leave for work and so did Darry. Sodapop had a date so he left to clean up and get ready. Ponyboy, Dally, and Johnny cleaned up from the birthday party despite Pony telling Johnny he didn’t have to help. But being around Dally left Johnny a nervous mess and sitting doing nothing would only rile him up more. After they finished cleaning, Ponyboy excused himself for a shower and to do some homework.

That left Dally and Johnny alone in the living room. Dally had rolled up a joint and was smoking from it. “Happy birthday, Johnnycakes,” he said with a small smile as he breathed out, filling the space between them with grey smoke and the stench of weed.

“Thanks,” Johnny replied softly. “How’ve you been?”

“Just dandy, kid. You?”

“Gettin’ along.”

“Sorry I’ve been ghostin’ you a bit. Busy with workin’ and Cherry.”

“How’re the two of you doin’ anyways?” Johnny knew he would regret the answer but it felt rude not ask since Dally had brought her up.

“We’re doin’ real good, Johnny. She’s a right fine girl. Sweet like a cherry; really lives up to her name, you know? I think I can see me bein’ with her for a long time.” The way Dally spoke, so soft and careful, it made Johnny’s chest ache. He felt so jealous of Cherry, having the ability to be with Dally in ways Johnny never could. His face almost turned red before he caught himself and realised he’d been quiet a second too long. 

“That’s real great, Dally,” he said with as much sincerity as he could muster. “I’m happy for you.”

Dally’s face lit up as he took another hit from his joint. “Thanks, Johnnycakes. That means a lot comin’ from you. I promise, we’ll be hangin’ out more here soon. I’ve just been workin’ a hell of a lot lately I hardly got time for myself.” He offered the joint to Johnny with a wry smile. “I won’t tell Darry if you don’t,” he said in a hushed tone.

Johnny took the joint suspiciously, he’d smoked cigarettes before, but this was something entirely different. He took a careful pull on it, surprised that it didn’t burn like tobacco, and breathed out. It didn’t taste as bad either. He handed it back to Dally.

“You probably won’t feel anything from that hit,” he said, “but it’s probably a good thing. Don’t need you to get too fucked up without someone here to ground you down.” He took one last hit before putting the joint out in the ashtray. He stood up and patted Johnny on the shoulder. “I gotta get goin’ here myself. See you ‘round, Johnnycakes.”

“See ya,” Johnny said, watching Dally’s back as he left.

He curled up on the couch and closed his eyes as he heard the door shut behind Dally. A few moments later, he heard Ponyboy come down from the shower. “Johnny?”

He kept still and kept his eyes shut, hoping Ponyboy would think he was sleeping. After a few seconds, he heard a soft ‘goodnight’ and footsteps retreating back up the stairs.

When he knew he was alone downstairs, he sniffled, and then he cried. He cried quietly, but hard, throat and chest aching like they were on fire, suffocating him with the flames. He felt disgusting and dirty. He felt horrible for feeling jealous that Dally was spending time with Cherry and not him. He felt dirty for not being able to get thoughts of kissing Dally out of his head. He felt disgusting because when Dally touched his shoulder, he never wanted Dally to let go. He wanted to feel his hands on him forever and savour that touch until he died. He dug his blunt nails into his shoulders and cried so hard he was shaking and quiet, little sobs escaped him. He wanted to disappear from the world, he wanted to be forgotten. He didn’t know why anyone in the gang spent any time on him or gave him a second of their time. He was dumb, he was slow, he was disgusting and vile. There were so many things horribly  _ wrong _ with him it was overwhelming him to the point where he didn’t know how to let it all out. He just wanted it all to leave him.

A scary thought crossed his mind that only made him cry harder, and a little louder, before he slapped his hand over his mouth and sobbed into his palm. What if he were to just kill himself? The gang would move on, and maybe do better without him here. Darry and Sodapop spent money on him when he knew they didn’t have much money to spend on themselves. Ponyboy always spent so much time helping him study, there was no way it wasn’t stressful for Pony to focus on his own studies. Two-Bit and him had never been particularly close and other than the shoes, there had never been any close moments between them. Dally would be the only to miss Johnny, and even then, with Cherry, it would only hurt for a little bit. 

He bit down onto his thumb as he cried more, thinking about how he could do it. Would he hang himself? Would he cut himself? He knew his dad had a gun in his closet, could he get to it and shoot himself? After a while, the exertion of crying wore him out and with heavy eyes and a heavy heart, he drifted off into a fitful sleep.


	6. Have You Ever Seen The Rain?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You okay Johnny?”
> 
> “Yeah,” he said, but the crack in his voice had Ponyboy sitting next to him and looking down with a worried expression.
> 
> “You don’t sound okay.”
> 
> “I’ve just been… dealing with stuff,” he sniffed, feeling stupid that he wanted to cry.
> 
> “Is it your dad?”
> 
> “For once, no,” he admitted, a small sob breaking its way from his chest. “Is it stupid I wish that was what was wrong with me?”
> 
> “No, Johnny, it’s not.”

Johnny chewed on the end of his pencil as he stared out the window. Rain was coming down hard from outside, and it was so loud he could hardly hear his teacher at the front of the room. He was discussing how he wanted the class to write an essay on what they planned to improve on while in summer school. He announced that their first day of summer school was over and they were all free to go and Johnny sighed, standing up as he shoved his papers into his backpack.

“Jonathan Cade,” the teacher said just as he was about to exit the room. Johnny spun his heels and turned to look at him.

“Yes, sir?”

“Don’t forget the whole point of summer school is so that you don’t have to repeat your last grade. So  _ pay attention _ . I know the rain can be distracting, but this is your  _ only _ chance at going into your senior year.”

“Yes, sir,” he repeated, softer this time, feeling his cheeks turn red.

“I’ll see you Wednesday.”

He left the classroom, feeling his face continue to get warm. He stepped outside and under the small overhang above the doors. Ponyboy was waiting for him and bumped into him. “Hey, how’d it go?”

“Fine, stopped paying attention right at the end, but I know what I have to do, so I guess it’s fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Gotta write a stupid essay on what I want to improve on while there.”

“That’s not so hard. I’ll help you write it out. You just gotta come up with the topic.”

They stepped into the rain and began to walk to Ponyboy’s house.

When they got there, Darry was already waiting with towels and dry clothes for them. “Gotta head to work, Sodapop’s already gone. There’s some leftovers in the fridge if you kids want to eat them. Behave yourselves.”

They both said bye to Darry as they dried up. Ponyboy began to pull stuff out of Johnny’s backpack to save them from the water and laid them out on the kitchen table. “If we work on it now, we’ll be able to get it out of the way and you’ll have all of tomorrow to goof off before you gotta go back on Wednesday,” he said.

“Yeah, whatever. Let me go use the bathroom first.”

When he came back, Ponyboy had everything ready and set up on the table. They worked through Johnny’s essay a bit after throwing around ideas for it. He had a good couple of pages written by the time the conclusion was coming up and for once, he didn’t feel so bad about his homework. Ponyboy was really good at helping him and he really appreciated it. When they were done, he smiled up at his friend. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Johnny, really. I like helping you with your homework.” He looked over the math sheet that Johnny had but when he looked back up at Johnny, he put it back into the folder instead of tackling that next. “Let’s take a break and find something to eat.”

“Okay,” the moment of relief left Johnny quickly and he suddenly felt so tired again. “I’m not very hungry though.”

“No?”

“I… Can I lay down?”

“Want to go to my room? That way if anyone comes by, you won’t be bothered.”

They gathered up Johnny’s stuff and went upstairs to Ponyboy’s room. Ponyboy turned on a lamp instead of the main light and Johnny flopped onto Pony’s bed.

“You okay Johnny?”

“Yeah,” he said, but the crack in his voice had Ponyboy sitting next to him and looking down with a worried expression.

“You don’t sound okay.”

“I’ve just been… dealing with stuff,” he sniffed, feeling stupid that he wanted to cry.

“Is it your dad?”

“For once, no,” he admitted, a small sob breaking its way from his chest. “Is it stupid I wish that was what was wrong with me?”

“No, Johnny, it’s not.” Ponyboy put his hand on Johnny’s back which only made him start to cry more. After a while of crying into Ponyboy’s bed, he was able to compose himself enough to start talking.

“I m-mean, my dad is always something that’s wrong with m-me, but I’ve just g-got so much go-goin’ on right now, I wish he was all th-that was botherin’ m-me.” He gulped in a breath as he cried more, voice muffled by Ponyboy’s bed. “Sc-school’s b-been so hard; I h-hate feelin’ like I’m-I’m stupid an’ th-the teachers all a-act l-like I am, t-too an’ it just m-makes it so much h-harder an’ I feel b-bad because y-you’re always takin’ s-so much t-time t-t-t-to help me an’ I f-feel l-like I’m wastin’ your t-time because I’ll n-never be sm-smart like you an’ r-readin’ will n-never be easy f-for me an’ I j-just feel s-so st-stupid!”

“Johnny, you’re not stupid,” Ponyboy said softly.

“It d-doesn’t m-matter if I a-am or not! It f-feels th-that way when I c-can’t even r-read a c-coupla lines with-without the words g-goin’ fu-funny an’ makin’ no sense!”

Ponyboy didn’t say anything this time and just rubbed Johnny’s back gently. “An’ m-my dad is a p-piece of sh-shit. I’m si-sick of comin’ home ju-just to get beat on like a f-fuckin’ pun-punchin’ bag. I’m s-sick of bein’ tr-treated like m-my existence is m-my f-f-fault.” He heaved out another sob, and cried hard for a while.

He didn’t know if he could tell Ponyboy everything. Pony was his best friend, and if he lost him… Johnny didn’t know what he’d do without Ponyboy and the rest of the gang, so he said as much. “I w-wanna tell you what else is wr-wrong with m-me, but I d-don’t want t-to lose y-you an’ th-the gang be-because you guys are all I h-have any-anymore an’ I d-don’t know what-what I’d do without y-you g-guys.”

“Johnny,” Ponyboy’s voice was thick like he was trying not to cry. “You can tell me  _ anything _ and I will never stop bein’ your friend.”

Johnny was quiet for a long time, sniffling and coughing into Ponyboy’s bedsheet.

“P-Pony,” he said softly after a second. “I… I… I th-think… I think I’m-I’m a-a….” He paused to suck in a shaky breath. He couldn’t believe he was about to say the words out loud finally, and to Ponyboy nonetheless. He had never even said it to himself before. “A… queer,” he said timidly, waiting for the inevitable backlash of those words. Ponyboy was quiet for a long time - or so it felt to Johnny - but his hand never left Johnny’s back.

“Oh,” Pony finally said and Johnny waited with baited breath for Ponyboy to kick him out. Then, Ponyboy went back to rubbing his back. “That’s okay, Johnny. You’re still Johnny, you just like guys instead of girls.”

Johnny lifted his head to look at Ponyboy, more tears streaming down his face. “That’s okay?”

“Yeah, that’s okay. You’re still my friend and nothin’ is gonna change that.”

They sat in Ponyboy’s room for a little while longer while Johnny tried to stop crying and compose himself. When he finally was able to stop, wiping the last of his drying tears from his face with his sleeve and sitting up, Ponyboy put an arm around his shoulder. “C’mon, I was lookin’ at your math earlier and it didn’t look too hard. If we finish it now, you don’t have anythin’ to do tomorrow an’ we can go catch a movie or something.”

“Okay,” Johnny said shakily. “Pony?”

Ponyboy who was already at his door turned and looked at Johnny. “Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Ponyboy smiled, eyes bright and Johnny realised just how lucky he really was to have a friend like Ponyboy. “Anything for you, Johnny. You’re my best friend. And Johnny?”

“Yeah?” He answered, feeling his chest grow tight with anxiety.

“Thanks for trustin’ me enough to tell me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the amount of time-skips that have been these past few chapters. I bet it's like whiplash! But there aren't really many things between the chapters that I felt would be important enough to write about. There's only so many filler chapters someone can write before I'm writing a chapter for every boring day that happens to the gang, haha.
> 
> Anyways, next chapter will be a time skip to the end of summer and the end of Johnny's summer school.
> 
> Also, this story is spanned out over the course of 3 years. 1965-1968, so there will most definitely be time skips because trying to fit three years worth of story into a fanfiction can be really difficult lmao.
> 
> Some quick information about ages and what not:
> 
> ages at beginning of story 1965  
> Johnny: 16  
> Ponyboy: 14  
> Dally: 19  
> Sodapop: 16  
> Darry: 20  
> Keith "Two-Bit" Matthews: 21  
> Cherry: 19
> 
> ages at the end of the story 1968  
> Johnny: 19  
> Pony: 17  
> Dally: 22  
> Soda: 19  
> Darry: 23  
> Two-Bit: 24  
> Cherry: 22
> 
> So far, I have up to 19 chapters planned out, but there will definitely be a number more than that. Maybe between 25-30, but I'm trying for no more than 30.


End file.
